Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Not had a depressive post in a while

Man its 5.15 am and I'm home visting to do recording for a sound project for uni.

I've not stayed up this late since I left home in July.

Have so much on my mind and I actually worry about everything all the time and hav'nt wrote or drawn anything worth while in probably a year. It's hard to be strong all the time and be smiley all the time. Feel like a failure as an artist and as a woman. I dont even know why I'm writing this here and not writing it in a word document or something. Would make much more sense. I've not been so personal to anyone or in my work for so long either.

I actually have secrets and things I hide and dont tell anyone and I used to be so trusting and naive.
Got so much work due for Uni and its only my second project in the last few months and it's already a lot of work. I sometimes wake up thinking what the hell am I doing and do I really want all of this and can I handle it? and then stupid things like god I really should get back to those lovely comments on my depressing post on facebook I'm terrible to those people for not.

And think everyone hates me and that I must look awful all the time. And I know this because ever since I've started uni theirs not been a week that goes by when someone in class will tell me...you look exhausted, you look like your going to keel over, you look so tired. And sometimes some of them make snide comments or remarks trying to be funny about things I say like Im an idiot. And I carry on talking acting like its nothing but it actually burries it self so deep in me that I'll think about it for days like a moron. Then regret that I even talk at all.

To sensitive and weak like my lanky boney body frame.

But yet everyone keeps telling me their secrets and I dont even know why.

And it actually makes me feel terrible when they tell me that and then I notice that their right. I'm so tired all the time and I try to work so hard for uni that it nearly kills me with my aniexty attacks. But yet things are different usually at home when I was like this I didnt sleep or eat at all. But living away from home I still eat and sleep when I dont worry or out of pure exhaustion from uni or my part time job.

Even in quiet time I worry about not having bought anyone christmas gifts this year and how every year I've manadged to buy for my family. Money is so difficult these days tho its such a weird experience. I like being independent but im not fully sure if im happy yet. I dont see a future these days im stuck to much in the present and I dont know where I want to be or who I want to be with by the time I'll get there.

Theirs so many disappointments now but sorta silently accept it and its weird having friends and people to talk to on a weekly basis...I've not had friends for nearly 3 years. Cause I wanted to stop being hurt by everyone and closed up.

I guess im just stressed about the workload I have to do for uni and Im writing a silly post at this time of night. But I'll regret it when I wake up at lunch time to try to do more work. I think I'm depressed or numb but cant really tell I cried quite a lot last week cause everything went wrong. Then always feel guilty cause others tell me their problems and secrets and then feel like an idiot for worrying about my little ones. Like I'll worry about what the hell I would do if my family wasnt here to look after me. Then the next I worry about how terrible my skin is and how I'll face another day. That I am lucky in a lot of respects but I do get weak and very very very tired.

I wish I could just spill out everything I really want to say and everything I've kept secret for so long. But its so heavy to even type or make art about it.
I know I need to get rid of this darkness at some point think it plagues me and even when I have shared it with the incredibly few others. They just sit there and look at me and I don't say anything and then I feel like an idiot all over again. And regret sharing anything and that people ask just cause their nosey not because they care. That did it really matter I shared anything or should even be around anyone anymore? They shared with me and I accept it but it never works the other way around.

Why do I feel this terrible all of a sudden I've not expressed how I've been feeling this way for so long.
Just need to suck it all up and get on with living instead of hiding and get all the uni work done before christmas. Then I can hide again for a little while and not have to be optimistic for everyone else and pretend that everything is wonderful.

Art uni has not answered any questions or hopes I needed to get about my work and where I am as a creative indivual but maybe it will in time. It's just all the waiting and the middle of finding out who we are that is troubling.
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