Friday, 1 April 2011

Nothing matters and neither does this post

 Ive came to the sad conclusion that anything to do with myself as a person doesnt matter. Anything i do doesnt matter, anything i do for anyone else doesnt matter, any art i make and share doesnt matter, and i dont matter either. Ive came to this conclusion because everyone hurts and everyone is hurting and even if your super nice to them and be there for them and do good things for them, it really doesnt mean anything.

I just want to become numb and accept the fact i dont matter instead of being a silly human with emotions, just so tired of being hurt and going back to the start.

Heres cute pictures of some budgies to make this less depressing.

It's been a whirlwind of emotions lately, ive spent a lot of time with family mostly epsecially my mum. It was her birthday last week and i gave her a bag of goodies cause i didnt know what else to get her and we went for a day of shopping. I was incredibly ill on the outing tho and had to run out the store to get air in the fear of being sick from the check out que. I seem to get social aniexty attacks now when in public places mostly and if it has anything to do with money.

I got letters from my doctor, one about how i'll expect a phone call to get someone to finally see me after the start of april. Then another letter saying that a doctor seeing me is pointless and that my only problem is my self esteam and that ive to be sent to some type of self esteam group center. 
The whole mess of trying to get a councilor since Novemeber is almost to much to bare to actually try and seek more help.

One day ill be on top of the world feeling really healthy and wonderful, doing excercises in the morning, eating really healthy and being productive. Ill be outside going somewhere or doing something simple like picking up things for others because i feel that up beat. Then the next day ill be so depressed ill stay in bed for nearly the whole day. Not eat anything and my mind is just dark and has repeating images of stabbing myself with knifes in my legs,arms,back,stomach,chest and face.

My family is such a mess right now i dont feel comfortable at home, its always angry and upsetting.

Ive been continuing to job hunt quite a bit but i dont get any replies back really. Ive been looking into art classes and uni but im not even sure about it or what media i want to go in. Im so messed up and lost i really cant see a future for myself anywhere or doing anything.

I found this artist book in a charity shop thought it was beautiful and wanted to draw the dresses on his figures for reference. Such lovely elegant people and poses feel like i could drown in the dress fabric.

I found this too i couldnt resist, its rather old and i do want to read it, and has a puzzle of chess by Carrol at the start and some letters hes wrote inside.

Found this little guy to he's jus lovely i will hang him up on my wall to make my days less dark.

Found this to i want to make something pretty for it.

Could'nt resist theirs a deer and a tree antlers <3

I got a bagpuss dvd the sounds of it make the room less lonely.

I did another story tape video too, this time is Thumbelina this story makes me weep.

I also got my hair cut and dyed it red, cant really see it.

Yes my nose is huge.

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