Saturday, 19 March 2011

At 7.51am debz decided to let some air out of her heart

 Ive been keeping it in which is probably the worst thing i could do but Ive been incredibly depressed. It's been this way for a long time and no matter what ive did to try and be positive its been very difficult. A lot of it has to do with the events in my family that are still not wise to talk about here just yet. Theirs also been a lot going on in my personal life and artistic life that ive kept in for a long time.

My sleep and eating is poor which never helps anyone and i feel really guilty about not working on more paintings or work. Everytime i sit down to do any of that tho i always almost burst into tears. I also feel guilty about not posting more comments and talking more to the people that care about me a lot on the internet and their inspiring work and writing.

In another time i used to be very open and naive of trusting of other people and would tell everyone anything cause i just liked connecting in that way. But for nearly the past two years ive stopped that a lot and also cause of the events.

I dont feel comfortable at home so much anymore im usually very ill and my mood is always dark. But this is because a lot of bad things happened here. I seem to only be happy when i visit friends which are sorta far away and cant be all the time. And i dont want the visits to make me ignore the problems because they cant make them just go away.

I am on my way to see a councilor tho which is good news but i really would like the bad stuff to go away. Im very tired of being sad and worried about everything all the time. I feel almost pathetic and lazy that not much has changed or helped me. Asking for help was very difficult for me because i dont like people carrying my problems. I understand to well people have their own problems and the last thing i want is a second worrying thought about myself.

Not doing art is hard for me or doing anything really, i dont even have the drive to go outside or get out of bed. I guess cause its easier when you feel stuck in a place where nothing seems bright anymore.
I understand the beauty and wonder of things in life but things have changed me so much that they do not move me im to numb for it just now.

I really want to get better im so tired of feeling lost...


New story tape video

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