Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Dry under eyes and experiments can make you blind

(Trevor Brown)

Ive been sorta lost lately about what i want to do in life and worried about wasting time and what i want to do or should work on now. Its been summer for a little while now for me and so far ive manadged to do two paintings because of these problems. I had a huge list of plans of what i wanted to do because of the free time i got especially creating new pieces. Im scared tho that because ive set so much for myself to do that i wont be able to decided what i want to do first or if ever.

I find myself instead staying in bed and i usually do this when im depressed yet ive not really been crying yet which surprises me. Theirs also no energy or will in me no matter how much i dream or pace myself. I feel like my fingers will crumble and break like their made of ash or charcoal.

The other day i had a look through all my old sketchbooks i did for school and for myself and my style has changed an awful lot. Yet i was happy back then drawing away mindlessly anything i desired or felt right but now i find myself constantly worrying about what direction to take my work in. And how will i make it work in the future or what media to stick to, cause usually if your good at something you stick to that and develop it further.

Im just to riddiculously experimental that its confusing me and making me blind as to what i should really care about being happy with my work. Yet you are your own worst critic and then you cant be happy with what you have made and then its just an endless cycle of questioning self worth and choices.

My mind is just so busy all the time like a jar full of flies and i want it to just be still for a little bit so i could decide on what to work on. I'll try my best to work on something more soon or to show my paintings.

I put up most of my work i did for my game on my other art blog if anyone is interested to show what ive been working on lately.

Been considering making videos aswell about my sketchbooks because ive found a lot of people dont know much about sketchbook work for courses and art school. Thought it might be of use to someone if their interested since mandaged to get my video camera working propperly.

Ive been watching films ive not seen for a long time but adored especially the film Willard and my fascination for Crispin Glover.

Been looking at a lot of different artists and animation lately, i find myself for full days locked away in my room with just the dull hum of my laptop for company. As twisted beautiful images and videos play their sweet secrets and truths to me.

So many that i probably could not show them all here cause its almost endless, im so inspired yet im not smiling and very quiet about it all.

Ive became so deeply in love with Cocorosie, their wisdom and music makes me want to live life like a child always. Their dull twinkling music plays almost constant in my mind when theirs nothing else to ponder or worry about.

I have also books i need to read one thats very old and beautifully tattered and ones that my dads Aunt wrote but i do not know her. But shes apparently a very well known Scottish Author and her books are fiction but based on my Granmother and others when they were growing up.

Been told i put myself down a lot and yet i do not know i have till after i said it like its almost automatic to say things like "no im not" "Im not worth missing" "Theirs better people out there im not worth the time".

Part of me knows these things are not true but i dunno why i say them, the smallest part of be beleaves them to be true. I do hope i feel happier soon enough to think i can create again cause i feel its part of the problem.


  1. oh dear dear dear
    you just described EXACTLY how i've been feeling this whole summer...
    it feels as if so many things at once is trying to squeeze out of a tiny little hole, and in the end, nothing comes out....
    this paragraph:
    Im just to riddiculously experimental that its confusing me and making me blind as to what i should really care about being happy with my work. Yet you are your own worst critic and then you cant be happy with what you have made and then its just an endless cycle of questioning self worth and choices.

    oh, debz... i could cry...

    i do hope you feel better soon debz...
    i think that it is okay to experiment without limiting yourself.. i mean, one must experiment to figure out which medium they'd want to stick to and become professional at it right? :-) i realized just recently... that art is really about finding pieces of yourself, and becoming better along the way...right?? i don't know...

    also,,, i think it would be wonderful if you could make a video of your sketchbooks. i would definitely be interested.

    and i think it's so cool that you are in relation to a famous writer!! what are her books called??

    dear,,, when you say that you think of my work daily, i feel the same way about you and your lovely words... when i feel helpless and down in regards to painting, i think of your kind words and i feel encouraged to go on...
    it's kind of like a cycle, isn't it? hehe
    but yea, i don't know if you know it, but i really appreciate you :-)
    it makes me sad to hear that you put yourself down like that....
    i don't quite believe in the word, "better" or "worth"... because like the word, "beauty", it is all a matter of perception and is different to everyone... just remember that there is only ONE of you in this whole wide world and there are some things that only you are capable of...
    in that respect, you are precious and irreplaceable in the eyes of your loved ones :-)

  2. Thank you so much for all the wonderful encouragement and beautiful words S.Jin <3 <3 <3 ill never forget it

    I appreciate it with all my heart and i get so giddy and excited when you reply or comment back on my little dents of blogs ive made on the internet.

    I feel very close to you emotionally and artistically it is such a wonderful feeling and makes things less lonely when im creating or dreaming.

    Your completely right about being experimental and making ourselfs better as artists and people. I guess im just getting a bit impaitent and scared at times because i assumed i would have figured it out by now.

    I recently spoke to some people at the end of the year that were much older than me and some of them had everything going for them. Like marriage a career and money. But they were'nt happy and that made them come into the course they were doing now cause they wanted to make art.

    This made me notice that probably all through our lives we will never be sure of what we want or what we want to do most of the time. But art seems to be drive that will never go away or disappear no matter what the other circumstances are. The only reason we dont do more is because we run out of time.

    Ill tinker around with my camera at some point and think about what i would say about my work if im going to make vidoes. Im so glad you would take an interest in it!

    Ill be posting some of dads Aunts books in my next blog if your interested. Her name is Mollie Hunter im going to try and read her books soon.

    Thanks again for all the loving support and encouragement and time youve spent commenting on my blog it means so much to me. <3 <3 <3 I look forward to your new blogs and work <3 take care


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