Friday, 19 March 2010

I realized im scared of everything

Ive finally manadged to hand in everything for my projects at college, it nearly killed me from lack of sleep, food and plenty of stress and even after i did it all i got the same responses and appreciation as i always do. Which is pretty harsh and i dont understand why i keep going with art when its not got me anywhere or ive been told im bad at it since second year in highschool.

Like is it really worth it in the end to make your self pyhsically ill sometimes and do all your work like your suspose to, for people just to not say anything about it and make you feel insignificant. I feel like its all been for nothing and that in a weird way it technically makes you nothing.

Ive wanted to leave my course a lot even from the start yet because the little silly voice of reason in me tugs at my hair and pokes me to make me stay and finish it. Even if people still treat you different after being nice and pleasant to them for nearly two years, it does'nt seem to change or make it any more enjoyable.

Even if teachers bully you and make you feel small in front of everyone, and everyone else is constantly judging you and two faced at the end of the day...why do i stay? why do i still make? why do i still endure being ill because of it all and because of them all?

I dont know...maybe i thought that by now i would have got some appreciation back or that i could call myself an artist now, that i would know my place in the world or what i want to do. But i dont and that scares me.

I dont really know what will happen if i move to America maybe im that silly to think its because of what one of my teachers said...."Oh yeah your going to America, dont think a man will slove all your problems"

How dare they make me doubt my choices in life and make me feel like a bad person for wanting to be happy. They have no idea how difficult everything has been for me, that a four year relationship that everyone doubted you for and never wished you happiness with it. That you have no one to even talk to at the end of the day or look forward to going home to a broken family. Or they say bad things about people you love when youve never said a word to them about their family life that they constantly will talk about in class.

Im going into a different world and culture, ill be treated not kindly because im not one of them, ill just be seen as a hendrince to their society taking their jobs and property. Ive not been treated any better here tho, why would i care?

Maybe so someone can tell me at the end of the day that everything will be alright even tho its the biggest lie youll ever hear, i still want to hear it....

I wanted to do a wonderful blog about lovely things but my mind is not full of lovely things...

Im probably really bad at art i mean being told that you are for nearly 9 years might mean its probably true, i might stop doing art for a little while till i feel better or maybe find a point in being hurt...

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