Tuesday, 23 March 2010

chocolate chip in my nooks and crannies

Im sorta feeling better after spending a weekend sleeping a lot and not eating propperly and turning night into day. I feel more better enough to do the blog entry i was susposed to do about lovely things.

I did i sound installation for my sound class, i hope it went well i made it all and felt pretty good about it since i dont dabble in sound pieces really. Ill post it eventually on my art blog with other things i have been working on after i feel a bit less numb about my work.

I ate strawberries and cream on the night i finished off the last of my college work a couple of weeks ago. It was delicious, ive found i have a terrible sweet tooth for some reason. I now have pure honey smeared between two pancakes i cant help but feel like a greedy little bear with sticky fingers when i eat it.
I have been eating ice cream again aswell and i never eat ice cream or honey.


I finally had the time to open up my sewing machine i got at christmas, its been years since ive used one because i had a nasty teacher in highschool for home econmics that made me never stick to it. She would scream at me for everything i would do and she would scream so loud at you that the whole department floor could hear her.

I have not threaded it yet im afraid ill break it or do it wrong, i would love to get working with it tho, im itching to make my own clothes and pretty things and dolls. I made a doll a long time ago but did it by hand, it took a very long time.

My lovely sent me this.

Its a magazine purely about doll artists and doll making i had no idea their was such a lovely thing. Its very inspiring and makes me want to make my own little baby dolls oh what beautiful freaks they will be.

Ive found ive been drawn to alot of artists that have dolls as themes mixed in with Lolita and Guro.

One in particular is Trevor Brown i checked out is blog and his art is pretty amazing im already in love. I found him through an artist i know from DA his fanart for him is on the page hes lovely.

My lovely also sent me this.


Im so lucky, hes been so supportive of me the past couple of months have been very stressful and rough for me and the last few days felt like i could of quit art forever.

But then that scared me..i had a horrible day dream on the bus going home one day of imagining if we come back as other people in another life. That if i did i hope i come back as another artistic person, the thought of not being one is terrifying i dont know what else i would do in life if i didnt create, its a need like it is food and sleep for me that i dont understand.

I did buy some new clothes about a month ago but im unsure if i should post them, but this blog is about my life as uninteresting as it is. I may i may i may and i may.

I got these shoes for 3 pounds i was happy to find them, ive been attracted to clothes that are navy/light blue lately and their very comfy. I might post the rest of the outfit i have to go with them which was very cheap too but i find it pretty!

I desire to buy lacey things such as dresses and over the knee socks and pretty flat shoes, but i spent to much money this month on art supplies (new water colour pad eee) and the cinema.

Which i went to with my classmates, we ate yummy cookies and watched Alice in wonderland in 3D, i felt it suited 3D alot. I outstretched my lanky arms to touch falling leaves and floaty elements that seemed to real to catch.

I shall learn to Futter wacken.

Been making new paintings and photographs again ill decide how i feel about them and if i should show them or not.

Since ive turned night into day ive been up at night watching old childrens programmes i used to watch. Its strange and comforting to remember what simple joy you got out of seeing them.

Oh gentle British soothing voices of yesteryear!

Been into the Moomins again aswell, i may try to buy the oringal books to become a propper fan.

Other bits and bobs have happened in my life this past couple of months aswell but theirs only so much you can put in blog entrys or wonder if anyone even reads them, even tho your doing them for yourself and not anyone else.

Maybe ill be less artistically numb soon to post work again.

Friday, 19 March 2010

I realized im scared of everything

Ive finally manadged to hand in everything for my projects at college, it nearly killed me from lack of sleep, food and plenty of stress and even after i did it all i got the same responses and appreciation as i always do. Which is pretty harsh and i dont understand why i keep going with art when its not got me anywhere or ive been told im bad at it since second year in highschool.

Like is it really worth it in the end to make your self pyhsically ill sometimes and do all your work like your suspose to, for people just to not say anything about it and make you feel insignificant. I feel like its all been for nothing and that in a weird way it technically makes you nothing.

Ive wanted to leave my course a lot even from the start yet because the little silly voice of reason in me tugs at my hair and pokes me to make me stay and finish it. Even if people still treat you different after being nice and pleasant to them for nearly two years, it does'nt seem to change or make it any more enjoyable.

Even if teachers bully you and make you feel small in front of everyone, and everyone else is constantly judging you and two faced at the end of the day...why do i stay? why do i still make? why do i still endure being ill because of it all and because of them all?

I dont know...maybe i thought that by now i would have got some appreciation back or that i could call myself an artist now, that i would know my place in the world or what i want to do. But i dont and that scares me.

I dont really know what will happen if i move to America maybe im that silly to think its because of what one of my teachers said...."Oh yeah your going to America, dont think a man will slove all your problems"

How dare they make me doubt my choices in life and make me feel like a bad person for wanting to be happy. They have no idea how difficult everything has been for me, that a four year relationship that everyone doubted you for and never wished you happiness with it. That you have no one to even talk to at the end of the day or look forward to going home to a broken family. Or they say bad things about people you love when youve never said a word to them about their family life that they constantly will talk about in class.

Im going into a different world and culture, ill be treated not kindly because im not one of them, ill just be seen as a hendrince to their society taking their jobs and property. Ive not been treated any better here tho, why would i care?

Maybe so someone can tell me at the end of the day that everything will be alright even tho its the biggest lie youll ever hear, i still want to hear it....

I wanted to do a wonderful blog about lovely things but my mind is not full of lovely things...

Im probably really bad at art i mean being told that you are for nearly 9 years might mean its probably true, i might stop doing art for a little while till i feel better or maybe find a point in being hurt...

Thursday, 4 March 2010

cant stand your loneliness

Offt where do i start?....

Well i have been very very busy this past week and a half, i have done many things that made me not have much of a life within the contents of my house and to my trips to classes. Well i mean i do have a great life, me and my classmates have a ball in class that i always look forward to going in. I did'nt mean to get close to people anymore because friends always leave me and stuff every year, but i guess its just something i cant avoid. Lifes to short to not forgive people and dwell on stupid crap they do to you.

Me and my classmates have became a lot closer and i adore that, i would rather be close to someone than be distant. We tend to lag behind most of our classes and end up carrying on and doing crazy hyper activities, this week we did a limbo conpetition with a super long ruler and yestarday after life drawing we played about with a slidey blankey and piggy back rides!

Just noticed my webcam actually has awesome quality.

I need a haircut and been listening to Gorillaz again to awesome for words. But anyway back to bussiness...

In the past two weeks and a half ive somehow mandaged too

*Take tons and tons of photographs included a trip to a catherdral

*Making tons of recordings and editings for sound class (included said catherdral and voice acting!)

*Work on 3 sketchbooks this includes drawings, mixed media, sticking stuff in them, making flappy things

* Lots and lots of writings especially essays! (Reasearch and philosphical studies)

*I made a entire website based on choosen works and college work and learned html and css propperly

*I made a special video to go with this site

*Im finising a 3D animation of a really bad version of the tinman from the wizard of Oz (he only walks in it and his textures are messed up and he walks queerly, hes a beautiful freak and i love him)

*Still attending all my classes and trying to keep up with socialness and deborahness

*Seeing family a lot more often (nieces staying tomorrow! ity bity deborah commiteee!)

*Relationship issues but i gave in because im to stressed to care or deal with it

*Considering the whole moving to America thing...its so complicated and gonna cost me so much money (over 1000 dollars and thats just for the forms)

*Been missing everyones blogs and their art and also everyone else on DA whos became special in the past year. (I miss you all a whole bunch and your in my thoughts daily and i appreciate you all so much <3)

*Saw princess and the frog, hey i cried it was pretty amazing.


*Had to say goodbye to the male life model we draw (im the only one who talks to the life models)

*it hit me this time before its gonna happen that im gonna miss all my classmates so much that its already sorta killing me...

*I made new art along the way of all this crazyness aswell which i hope to post soon, new paintings, new photography, and also i guess new video.

Its about how i work as an artist and all that kinda stuffs and i guess as me as a person, i like being me and im actually really proud of myself. Ive worked my butt off so much for college and being the person i have became, and i have the people i guess thats went through all the doors in my life and out of it again.
Even the ones that i thought were gonna be different, thank you aresholes you made me notice at the end of the day im probably much more happier than youll ever be.

Ill catch up with you all very soon, i should be sleeping but yeahs i dont tend to sleep before deadlines.

Take care
Debz <3

OH! one more thing! Just remembered this little treasure that makes me smile all silly like!

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