Saturday, 12 December 2009

Lets try to be forgetful this time

Alot has been going on in my life the past few months, more than i really talk about or show on the outside to, but this is because i have no one to really open up to anymore.

This also has alot to do with it, at first i did'nt want to make a very difficult choice dispite that everyone said they wanted me to be happy and supported me.
Now that i have finally made this difficult choice no one is there anymore even tho they said they would be.
This is something i do not understand and they will never understand how difficult things have been for me in the past few months.

I feel used...and truely alone than i have felt in a long time, probably since back in highschool, i am human and crave human compassion.
Yet i have pointing fingers and harsh whispers saying im the one whos making them alone, yet im constantly there and constantly free for them dispite that i do get stressed, unhappy, busy, hurt just like everybody else.
It's like im not allowed to be that way, or that their blind, im not sure because their not really social to me in any shape or form.

Yet again this is apparently my fault again when i have attempted and made effort for communication, im an ear and shoulder to everyone, but ive never really had the deed paid back.
I dont know why i expect it cause i guess i should know by now, and i somehow knew things would turn out this way, just like they do every year.

Maybe for once i did'nt want the give of doubt that i actually could be blind and deaf like them for once and not care.

But i do care goddammit, i really do care, i hate my heart and my mind for it. All i do is think about them and year in general i spent with them. Its like it was all for nothing and meant nothing to anyone but me in small ways. It drives me insane, and when i dont think about it, i have dreams about it and cannot sleep anymore and considering my health i need sleep.

I dont get it, if they had such a problem with it all or something i may or may have not done why did'nt they just suck it up and call me? or emailed me? or sent me a message?
We live in one of the most advanced social era's in history were talking to someone takes mere seconds when we are'nt even next to them.
They must be so upset or busy about me that a im not even worth a few seconds.

Even art does not bring much comfort to me as i thought it may, i have even made art about the whole situation. And usually that helps alot but for the most part it has'nt.

I can admit im wrong, i really can and swallow my pride and admit if im wrong. But everyone else seems not to be able to do that. And so far i dont see what i have done wrong.

As far as i know, Im a bad person for wanting to be happy and live my dreams, Im a bad person for caring and making an effort, Im a bad person for giving a damn for people that dont even deserve it, Im a bad person because i have morals and wont say what needs to be said incase it hurts or breaks up more friendships and show what people are really like, Im a bad person because i want to live and do what i want to do.

And im being blamed for all of that while the people that are blaming me and stirring everything and do as they please and live their life and being happy?

I dont fucking think so.

I read my starsign today.

It said something along the lines of
"Youve had a lot to deal with for a while, and a choice you recently made has shown true light to situations and people that were close to you. It has shown that people you thought that would support you have not and it has dwelled for long enough. It's about time that you spent time with people that really do care."

It struck a cord in me hard, and i have had enough and would like to move on.

Its made me make the choice that i dont want to make friends ever again, people have taught me this and i never learn, i think its time i gave it a try again.

I wish sandwiches were like people, their yummy and just right and dont hurt you and just make things better.
Its also a shame people are not as delicious as sandwiches either and then i could just eat them but im not so sure it would be certain areas.

Now for something completely silly down below.


  1. <3 sandwiches <3

    i hope i can help make you feel better once im over love <3


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