Monday, 14 December 2009

Glitter, babymilk, and tears

I made christmas cards and treasure maps with my nieces yestarday.
It was nice to see them since ive only seen them a handful of times all year and i cant get over how much their growing.

This is my niece Jade and our box of tricks that helped us achieve an afternoon of fun and never ending hyperness. Such pretty beads, shiney paper, lots of glitter, crayons, pens, all the good stuff.

Our creations in the making and us hard at work.

Having a break the other little girl is my niece Emma.

Our christmas cards are the best christmas cards ever.

Our treasure maps came out pretty amazing too. YAAAAR!

It was nice to do something like that it took my mind away from terrible things for a few hours.
It was a weird contrast because after they left i was in the house on my own again and it was deadly quiet. I drank tea and ate sweet things which im finding ive had a really bad sweet tooth lately. I dont eat anything propper really, just sweet things and tea.

Ive been very sore and cold alot lately too, and i feel bloated and if ive not got sore tummys ive got headaches. I know, but it is'nt my girly parts doing that to me cause ive had alot of health problems this year and sore tummys have been the biggest problem. I get them at least 3/4 times a week usually after i come home or in college.

I had a bath after watching some beatrix potter story animations (was my childhood) on the web. It did'nt really help much with the soreness.

Cant seem to have the energy or emotional drive to do homework either or i get stuck with it. And im usually a work-aholic but i actually just cant seem to do it.

I just stay in my house and get all my college work out and sit at the computer ready for the work. Then i just dont do it, instead i just sit there and think and sometimes cry.

I like tea way to much, and i dont even seem to care much about my appearence or being pretty, its not because im lazy. I have alot to get done and understand that concept. But emotinally i just cant theirs just been so much going on in the past few months that it's all starting to come full circle.

Ive had no one to really open up to anymore about it all so thats why i created this blog to let things out and to talk and do things that make me happy and relaxed without judgement.

I spoke to my mum last night, we talked late into the morning and finally told her about everything that has been going in the past few months. I surprised myself when i started weeping and shaking talking about it.
I usually tell my mum nearly everything but alot of the time she does'nt really listen or have anything to say about it other than that 'your too deep deborah' 'you take on everyone elses problems' 'dont worry'. So i did'nt talk about this for a long time till now to her. I think she got upset too seeing how upset i was, and it still does'nt really help sadly.

I had a dream again about them but also my love was there, one of them called me but on the phone they were bad to me so i hung up on them in the dream. Maybe thats my dreams telling me that its almost gone or going away. Because they were'nt actually there in them this time.

But tonight was pretty bad, i sat down to do homework and it all messed up on me. Instead i just broke down and cried, and it was'nt even one of those small little teary moments, it was full out weeping, ive not cired like that in a long time. Maybe its my body trying to be sick with tears to get rid of everything bad.

Im not sure but i wanted to quit my college course and everything, i dont really know whats happened to me.
Everything just seems bad when i thought i was good and everything just seems to get worse when you try to make it better or try and deal with it.
Theirs only so much a person can take, im not made of stone and im amazed i somehow still put on a front to everyone and they think im alright.

Im constantly sick, exhausted, stressed and sad.
I just wish everything would go away.

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