Saturday, 26 December 2009

Maybe my last Christmas here

I woke up pretty early on christmas, but i wake up every morning super early to talk to my other half on the computer. Eventually my Dad got up and i made him tea like i usually do and he fired in to start making the christmas dinner like he does every year early morning.
(I peeled the brussel sprouts the night before like i do ever year for him.)

People text me merry christmas aswell which i was very surprised considering i did'nt think they would care or bother. And that they dont really speak to me and some not spoken to me for nearly a year. Its kinda also sad that they were all just mass texts and that you choose all the contacts you have and press send and probably wont talk to me again.

My poor mum has had a rough year and could'nt even finish wrapping everyones presents the night before, as soon as she got up i helped her wrap the rest and helped tidy downstairs. We did this all morning and did'nt finish till about 11. My parents felt bad because i had'nt opened any of my presents yet but instead helped them and gave them their presents first.

Im not a little girl anymore so i understand theirs more important things to get done and i sometimes feel uncomfortable receiving gifts. Not that i dont appreciate them but that i probably did'nt really do much to deserve them.

They were lovely all just the same and i was very grateful, i tend to be gentle with my presents and unwrap them gently. Ive did this since i was little.

*A new dress
* Some jumpers to keep me cosy
*New shoes
*Pretty lace skirt
*Make up and nail polish all greeeeen
*Make up box thats very pretty
*A diary and Gothic lolita art book ~ <3
*Some ornaments
*Some computer games
*Sewing machine (because i want to make pretty things like dolls and clothes)
*And ofcourse chocolate and sweeties

It was very nice and i actually barely asked for anything this year but my parents always want me to have a nice christmas and try and surprise me.
Mum even said i deserved it all, dont think shes ever said that to me about anything.

We then had to get the table set for my big family to come over like they do every year (my parents are grandparents) so we were rushing around all over the place. So much in fact my mum cut her finger really badly and their was blood all over the floor, up the stairs and to the bathroom.

I tried to help her but she just wrapped it up herself and continued with getting ready. We were expecting the family in 30 mins at the time.

Our family has been pretty broken this year because of us all being stubborn, selfish and unforgiving over silly matters. Also that i got treated pretty badly by some of them even when i had'nt done anything and get enough of that in the big world.

I expected it to be very akward and full of arguments like nearly every year. But it was'nt everyone had lots of beautiful presents and smiles, especially the kids. Everyone got on great and we all had fun and lots of yummy food. I can actually say it was probably the best christmas weve had.

This is my family pretty much, their all pretty cool.

I ended up playing dress up with my nieces in my room, they all tried on my clothes that were to big for them and my shoes. It was pretty nice and funny and they wanted me to read beatrix potter stories to them. While my nephews played on the internet and all the old school computer games we used to love.
It was nice and familar.

Eventually they all went home and the house was quiet and i felt pretty good about everyone and everything.


Its a tradition in my family that everyone dresses nice/pretty for christmas. I tend to wear something different every year.

I went for a victorian look this year, i felt pretty and cool even if my armpit is like a black hole.
Im really into old stlye of dressing and victorian/war time fashion, ive always like it but its the first ive been wearing it. I love my pretty dresses/skirts so much and tights/socks.

It was a pretty dare a say magical day and i was incredibly tired by the end of it all like i am every year.
I climbed into bed early and snuggled up in my many blankets and pillows.


I got this in a present i received from my sister and her family. It was with a locket you can put pictures in. I could'nt help but cry when i read it because i was so susprised and overwhelmed.

I guess people really do care about me and what i want to be happy even when it seems like everyone turned their back on me and left me...

It gave me the best feeling ive had for quite a while to know that.


Sunday, 20 December 2009

My hands are so cold and my mouth is so sweet

It's the holidays now for us, we only get a couple of weeks off sadly and go back to College the day after my birthday.
Its the middle of the night as i half slept half of the day again and i will be up all night again, but this is usual for me.

Its been snowing aswell which is kind of refreshing and lovely, since it has not snowed for us for nearly 4/5 christmas'es. I am worried about transportation and if my honey will be alright flying in at the end of the week.

Ive also been playing the sherlock holmes vs jack the ripper game, its very fascinating im very interested in old mysteries and crimes. Especially murders and old crimes and stuff, im just so interested in how they solve the crimes and the forensics.

It snowed somemore their so much of it and its so thick but also so pretty and magical.

Ive been doing more paintings aswell, i have plenty i want to do and get on with, they bring alot of comfort.
I'll maybe upload them soon.

I have plenty more i want to do or i might add to them.

I have to tidy my room alot for christmas time but i have no where to put all my lovely objects, memories and clothes. ;n;

My pretty things *loves*

My stubborn sweet tooth still wont leave me alone either with tea.


Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Feeling better and Beatrix Potter

Im feeling alot better from my last entry, its taken a couple of days stuck in bed and being inspired to help me get back to normal-ish. Ive missed some classes at college not proud of that but its better than breaking down in tears in class and feeling uncomfortable. Im also slowly but surely starting to forget the bad people and getting on with what i want to do. I guess getting things out helped and doing things i enjoy.

Ive also rediscovered my love for Beatrix Potter and her stories i enjoyed as a child, i did not understand them as much as i do now but i suspose i did'nt have to and thats pretty amazing.

What a beautiful person and soul she was.

Her work has inspired me alot lately, im finding myself painting and dreaming of animals, nature, anthromorphisms of half animal and half people.

A couple of nights ago when i was at my lowest an Albino rabbit that had the body of a man in a brown suit with a green tie spoke to me. He asked me things and told me everything would be alright. I think a frog boy was next to him and we were at the end of the path that led towards a wood. I was also very beautiful in my head, i had white beads and decorations of flowers in my hair, i had long flowly hair like i actually should have and i was wearing a beautiful flowly sweet girl dress. I looked like an old fashioned painting like everything else did in my head and had tiny birds sitting on my hands. I think i belong there now.

I might paint it one day but ill never recapture how beautiful the scene was in my head.

Its hard to decide what Beatrix Potter story is my favourite, for some reason The Tale of Jemima Puddle Duck comes to mind often. I dunnos maybe because Jemima reminds me of myself sometimes, that im so naive and trusting and want to be happy.

Ive also noticed that alot of her stories have to deal with life lessons, i might be wrong or being to deep into it, but it might be the case.
As in the tale of Jemima that you should'nt trust strangers and trouble will be in your way in life but you'll get what you want to be happy in the end.

Or that The Tale of Peter Rabbit is to teach you to respect others and to behave or youll get into trouble.

Or that you might find your lost clothes on a scarecrow in Mr McGregors Garden.

Or the tale of Pigling Bland and how that growing up and leaving home can be difficult and scary, just lucky we all are'nt pigs.

Maybe im diving to much into it, but i guess thats what most fairy tales are about to teach Kids lessons on life in a more beautiful and romantic way. With pretty pictures and simple words like their preparing us for life without us knowing it. Yet people still dont understand life or bad things still.

Most fairy tales these days dont do that anymore, their not really beautiful or thoughtful, their more delightful stories or their books to teach kids to write, count, and read.

Beatrix Potter wrote her stories just at the right time with the right form and in the right style. We could'nt imagine her tales with the animal characters running around in jeans, playing computer games, or on the internet. Our day and age has wonderful things and inventions in it, but its not very beautiful, her stories were simple and showed the value of nature in a clever manner. Which is something we take for granted and sadly might not be able to experience it like we used to ever again.

This is why her stories are so loved and still popular today, they keep that beauty and magic that just came naturually to us as children. She was a great lover of the earth and nature and we can see that in her characters, paintings and stories because she put alot of her love into them.

I hope to visit the Lake District one day which is where she spent the rest of her life perserving, and keeping and simply enjoy the way things should look, feel, touch, taste and smell.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Glitter, babymilk, and tears

I made christmas cards and treasure maps with my nieces yestarday.
It was nice to see them since ive only seen them a handful of times all year and i cant get over how much their growing.

This is my niece Jade and our box of tricks that helped us achieve an afternoon of fun and never ending hyperness. Such pretty beads, shiney paper, lots of glitter, crayons, pens, all the good stuff.

Our creations in the making and us hard at work.

Having a break the other little girl is my niece Emma.

Our christmas cards are the best christmas cards ever.

Our treasure maps came out pretty amazing too. YAAAAR!

It was nice to do something like that it took my mind away from terrible things for a few hours.
It was a weird contrast because after they left i was in the house on my own again and it was deadly quiet. I drank tea and ate sweet things which im finding ive had a really bad sweet tooth lately. I dont eat anything propper really, just sweet things and tea.

Ive been very sore and cold alot lately too, and i feel bloated and if ive not got sore tummys ive got headaches. I know, but it is'nt my girly parts doing that to me cause ive had alot of health problems this year and sore tummys have been the biggest problem. I get them at least 3/4 times a week usually after i come home or in college.

I had a bath after watching some beatrix potter story animations (was my childhood) on the web. It did'nt really help much with the soreness.

Cant seem to have the energy or emotional drive to do homework either or i get stuck with it. And im usually a work-aholic but i actually just cant seem to do it.

I just stay in my house and get all my college work out and sit at the computer ready for the work. Then i just dont do it, instead i just sit there and think and sometimes cry.

I like tea way to much, and i dont even seem to care much about my appearence or being pretty, its not because im lazy. I have alot to get done and understand that concept. But emotinally i just cant theirs just been so much going on in the past few months that it's all starting to come full circle.

Ive had no one to really open up to anymore about it all so thats why i created this blog to let things out and to talk and do things that make me happy and relaxed without judgement.

I spoke to my mum last night, we talked late into the morning and finally told her about everything that has been going in the past few months. I surprised myself when i started weeping and shaking talking about it.
I usually tell my mum nearly everything but alot of the time she does'nt really listen or have anything to say about it other than that 'your too deep deborah' 'you take on everyone elses problems' 'dont worry'. So i did'nt talk about this for a long time till now to her. I think she got upset too seeing how upset i was, and it still does'nt really help sadly.

I had a dream again about them but also my love was there, one of them called me but on the phone they were bad to me so i hung up on them in the dream. Maybe thats my dreams telling me that its almost gone or going away. Because they were'nt actually there in them this time.

But tonight was pretty bad, i sat down to do homework and it all messed up on me. Instead i just broke down and cried, and it was'nt even one of those small little teary moments, it was full out weeping, ive not cired like that in a long time. Maybe its my body trying to be sick with tears to get rid of everything bad.

Im not sure but i wanted to quit my college course and everything, i dont really know whats happened to me.
Everything just seems bad when i thought i was good and everything just seems to get worse when you try to make it better or try and deal with it.
Theirs only so much a person can take, im not made of stone and im amazed i somehow still put on a front to everyone and they think im alright.

Im constantly sick, exhausted, stressed and sad.
I just wish everything would go away.

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Lets try to be forgetful this time

Alot has been going on in my life the past few months, more than i really talk about or show on the outside to, but this is because i have no one to really open up to anymore.

This also has alot to do with it, at first i did'nt want to make a very difficult choice dispite that everyone said they wanted me to be happy and supported me.
Now that i have finally made this difficult choice no one is there anymore even tho they said they would be.
This is something i do not understand and they will never understand how difficult things have been for me in the past few months.

I feel used...and truely alone than i have felt in a long time, probably since back in highschool, i am human and crave human compassion.
Yet i have pointing fingers and harsh whispers saying im the one whos making them alone, yet im constantly there and constantly free for them dispite that i do get stressed, unhappy, busy, hurt just like everybody else.
It's like im not allowed to be that way, or that their blind, im not sure because their not really social to me in any shape or form.

Yet again this is apparently my fault again when i have attempted and made effort for communication, im an ear and shoulder to everyone, but ive never really had the deed paid back.
I dont know why i expect it cause i guess i should know by now, and i somehow knew things would turn out this way, just like they do every year.

Maybe for once i did'nt want the give of doubt that i actually could be blind and deaf like them for once and not care.

But i do care goddammit, i really do care, i hate my heart and my mind for it. All i do is think about them and year in general i spent with them. Its like it was all for nothing and meant nothing to anyone but me in small ways. It drives me insane, and when i dont think about it, i have dreams about it and cannot sleep anymore and considering my health i need sleep.

I dont get it, if they had such a problem with it all or something i may or may have not done why did'nt they just suck it up and call me? or emailed me? or sent me a message?
We live in one of the most advanced social era's in history were talking to someone takes mere seconds when we are'nt even next to them.
They must be so upset or busy about me that a im not even worth a few seconds.

Even art does not bring much comfort to me as i thought it may, i have even made art about the whole situation. And usually that helps alot but for the most part it has'nt.

I can admit im wrong, i really can and swallow my pride and admit if im wrong. But everyone else seems not to be able to do that. And so far i dont see what i have done wrong.

As far as i know, Im a bad person for wanting to be happy and live my dreams, Im a bad person for caring and making an effort, Im a bad person for giving a damn for people that dont even deserve it, Im a bad person because i have morals and wont say what needs to be said incase it hurts or breaks up more friendships and show what people are really like, Im a bad person because i want to live and do what i want to do.

And im being blamed for all of that while the people that are blaming me and stirring everything and do as they please and live their life and being happy?

I dont fucking think so.

I read my starsign today.

It said something along the lines of
"Youve had a lot to deal with for a while, and a choice you recently made has shown true light to situations and people that were close to you. It has shown that people you thought that would support you have not and it has dwelled for long enough. It's about time that you spent time with people that really do care."

It struck a cord in me hard, and i have had enough and would like to move on.

Its made me make the choice that i dont want to make friends ever again, people have taught me this and i never learn, i think its time i gave it a try again.

I wish sandwiches were like people, their yummy and just right and dont hurt you and just make things better.
Its also a shame people are not as delicious as sandwiches either and then i could just eat them but im not so sure it would be certain areas.

Now for something completely silly down below.

Cheeselets are addictive and big laughs

My nephew Liam is pretty awesome, he stays at my house often and we do lots of crazy stuff. Like play video games, eat foods, Internet fun, make stuff up and have our memes with cartoons, internet, expressions, and somehow make it fit in with what were doing somehow.

We did drawings tonight, well i painted and liam did drawings which are one of the best and funniest things ive ever laid eyes on. Ive not laughed that hard in quite a while, well at college i laugh at a lot of stuff, especially when i make crazy cowboy spoof films with my classmates but thats another story. Maybe for another time with another footage.

But yeahs Liams pretty cool i get on with him like i would a friend in a lot of ways, its awesome because its not bad, hes younger so nothing is akward to an extent, nothing is socially unacceptable, you dont have to worry about him backstabbing you or judging you, its pure unadulterated fun which i work on in so many levels.

So yeahs enough with my rambles, here is the images now they might not make a whole lot of sense but i do hope they will be entertaining and make you giggle senselessly as they did for me.

If you must know the first one is obviously Bender from Furture Rama (which is amazing)
The second one is FlapJack From The Marverlous Misadventures of Flapjack.
Billy from The Grim Adventuers of Billy and Mandy.
Uhm..ha..This one is the snake dude from the gang green gang from the powerpuff girls but hes diamond shaped.
Oh god, okies the one in the middle is captain K'Knuckles from flapjack in a scene that its so disturbing its amazing.

13 seconds in is when this moment happens (warning not for the faint of heart and weak of funny bone)
I feel Liam captured this moment in all its glory.

The square looking dude after that its Schnitzel from Chowder.
The guy at the bottom left looking pretty smug is Handsome Squidward.

Need I say more?

And then after that is Hans Moleman from the simpsons saying "Rebristeling" for those of you who understand that.
And then after that a very peanut looking shaped Professor Fondsworth.

Probably the best bit of paper ive ever received.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Stop Motion makes me smile

Oh how i love stop motion animation, it never ceases to amaze me and make me have my full attention constantly. Also the amount of work thats put into it and that i get amazed at how its a medium thats overlooked these days. Yet quite a while ago during WW1/WW2 era it was used a great deal and impressively usually only made by one person.

The wolf and the seven kids was one of my favourite stories as a kid, and also would scare me espcially when the wolf would come into the house and gobble up the tiny goats. I suspose it was suspose to teach you not to trust strangers but in my experience you should'nt trust people you you know or at least think you do.

I had never heard of this story but i enjoyed it a great deal and the amount of detail in the puppets and backgrounds impressed me.

This is a very surreal animation of the story of the Pied Piper its very disturbing, unusual and does'nt actually use any real language. I found it very striking because it looks as if the puppets and the scenes are all made from wood or somesort of related matrial but at the same time not. I love how everything is twisted and raw and i surely know if i was still young i would be hiding behind the couch in fear.

This film has a special place in my heart i grew up watching it as a child, i adore Mark Twains wisdom and common sense. I like to beleave his theories on Adam and Eve even if it may or not be true, he just knows how to put it all in a more realistic sense if beings were created, how they would think a and feel and behave.
Also the part when they discuss who should die first makes me weep everytime.

This is the most recent Stop motion film i have seen, I love it very much the Tree dwellers stole my heart with their mannerisms and movements. Its a beautiful and thoughtful new kind of fairy tale for adults which i think is a genius concept on its own. The viewer may not understand fully what its about because a lot of it is metaphors but the beauty of it inspires me greatly.

I still have many more stop motion films to watch and get back to, been sort of a busy bee and emotionally stressed to enjoy alot of art to its full or have the energy. Hopefully this christmas holiday will be fruitful.
The Puppets melt my heart.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Peppermint tea

Ive recently been inspired lately by many beautiful things.
Im in the house on my own today, i should be at college but ive decided
to do College work at home instead.

I need to answer questions and do research for a website class and
decide on what to write on for my Philosophical Studies class
which im finding is a joy to learn about. So i want to pick something special but
i have not decided on what yet.

Artistically i would love to start producing and selling my work on esty, but i want to
create more paintings and ideas first before i post anything worthy on the site. It would be like selling
a part of myself, i treasure everything i create like a child and that i work so hard on them and
let parts of myself be shown to the world without fear of judgement but purely for my heart.

Im pretty happy artiscally aswell its what keeps me going these lonely and busy days.
I love escaping to my dream world away from all the trouble and bother from
most things lately. It helps me still breathe, love, think and feel in ways ill still never understand
I am just so grateful that i can create i need it just as much as i need food, water and sleep.

It is so cold outside but the beauty of the nature and sky still comforts me alot, its nice to stay indoors with hot tea and tomato soup with slippers on my toes.
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